He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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