Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
