Life is so much better after having sex.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
