I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
