Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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