Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
