Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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