I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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