2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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