I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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