You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
