I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
