Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
