he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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