have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
