Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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