we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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