Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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