the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
