So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
