True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
