1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
