i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
