I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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