She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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