He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
