so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
