Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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