Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
