By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
As shirtless as possible
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
