she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I need to stop coming to work sober
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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