got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
