Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
