textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
