Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
