My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
