She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
