Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
