We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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