Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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