I can tuck mytits in my pants
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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