PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
