The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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