dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am one with the molecules
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
