i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
