Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
