Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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