woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
