did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
