i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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