I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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