Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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