My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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